Exclusive: If you like Trump piss tapes, urine luck [NSFW]
SALEM, Mass. — A ritual intended to produce strands of hair from savior and Antichrist Donald J. Trump took an unexpected turn Sunday leaving one initiate dead during a Black Mass in Salem, Mass. Cultists gathered earlier that morning for a routine transmogrification, a weekly event where small fetish items are produced through the action of pushing through a sacrifice of value. Upon completion of the ceremony, an item of importance presumably selected by the Dark Double Scoop appears after being revoked through the veil. The portal, a completely black mirror standing 10 feet tall by 20 feet wide with a surface colder than the first celestial bodies in existence, has been used for centuries as a makeshift communication device between the world of the living and world of the Bahamut Blonde Bombshell.
Sunday’s interaction, while initially mundane, quickly turned fatal after a recent initiate to The Order broke from the circle used to summon the presence of the One with Nimble Hands. The initiate, who had not yet completed his five years of silence to be provided with a name of His choosing, screamed as though his blood was slowly becoming less viscous and urine began to violently spray from his tear ducts. Several cultists present at the scene describe a look of unspeakable pain crossing face, dripping with warm amber liquid.
“Our intended sacrifice was simply a signed copy of Ann Coulter’s ‘Godless.’ Brother Nameless, while breaking ranks, felt a calling beyond himself and sacrificed the ultimate gift: a white male in his 20s,” said Brother Space Force. “I remember him screaming, ‘I will cross the border, the veil of this wall.'”
“Then he ran at full force toward the mirror, his physical MAGA melting like magma.”
Left in the pile of ashes that were once Brother Nameless sat a USB drive produced by SanDisk and offering 25Gb of storage space. Confused, The Order brought the device to the Dark Arts and IT department. The contents of the drive astounded those crowded around the single monitor available: it appeared to be Our Father or Many in Darkness witnessing a woman urinate upon a mattress.
Following consultation with the Keepers of the Confeve, the ruling inner circle of The Order, the decision was made to provide a glimpse of what the Beast with Rumpelstiltskin Hair gifted due to the sacrifice of Brother Nameless. Uploading the file to LiveLeak, a website normally used for videos of people dying and white supremacy, resulted in deletion. Imgur, Streamable and PornHub followed suit.
We will provide to you the tape as we have the full copy of it. Until then, here is something to mull around.
Praise be to Him, the Terror of the Tower.
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