Human U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement June 27, effective July 31, immediately setting off speculation as to whom President and Anti-Christ Donald Trump would appoint in his place.
Several mainstream media outlets suggested Little Horn Trump ought to appoint a woman to the High Court, but we here at AntiTrump.com, being well-versed in both scatamancy and at least three types of numerology, have heard rumblings that The Beast might be looking to go even further and appoint an actual demon to the bench.
We immediately went straight to the source, “the Lesser Key of Solomon” for more details on some potential nominees. After speaking with one of our closest infernal connections, the Marquis Marchoisias, we have narrowed the list of possibilities down to five likely candidates, in no particular order of numbers of legions commanded.
(Forgive us any typos as we continue, as some notes were a bit signed by the fire spewing forth from Marchosias’ mouth.)
1. Buné, Great Duke. It is said that Buné makes men eloquent and wise, and gives true answers, all of which would likely enhance the abilities of his fellow justices and lead to some pretty insightful rulings on a wide variety of topics. He also apparently speaks in a deep voice, which would really make him an imposing figure, especially when you consider he is usually depicted as a three-headed dragon. That photo op alone could really give Trump a big boost in the polls, Marchosias pointed out to us. It’s a bit unclear, however, whether each of those heads are draconic in nature, so that could lead to some communication difficulties, we think, and may be a reason the Anti-Christ would choose a slightly less controversial nominee.
2. Paimon, a King of Hell, is also reputed to have a great and roaring voice. He is a well-known scholar and teacher of the arts, philosophies and sciences, and other secret things. While not a Yale or Harvard alum, his ability to reveal the mysteries of the Earth, wind and water would no doubt compliment the other justices’ educational backgrounds. Paimon can bind men to the will of those who conjure him, which we here at AntiTrump are sure you can see the value of in these troubled time. The only real major con here is that often a host of other less demons goes before him with trumpets and cymbals, which would probably prove extremely disruptive to the court’s work. One also has to wonder if going from King of Hell to Supreme Court justice would be a demotion.
3. Flauros, a Great Duke, gives true answers of all things past, present and future, although he must be commanded to enter a magic triangle first, so he’s not the easiest guy to work with. He’s well-versed in information on the creation of he world and divinity, so no doubt he’d be a big contributor to many of the hot button issues of religious freedom the Supreme Court is expected to tackle. Marchosias suggested that his ability to destroy the enemies of those who conjure him by burning them up would be of particular interest to the Anti-Christ and we are inclined to agree that no doubt makes him an appealing candidate. In comparison to Buné’s more reptilian looks, Flauros is classically depicted as a humanoid leopard with big claws, representing his abilities to destroy his conjurer’s enemies.
4. Orobas, a Great Prince, may seem like a bit of a dark horse capable of turning into the form of a man, but bear with us here. Marchosias really highlighted to us what a moderate Orobas is, not permitting spirits to tempt those who conjure him while also refraining from deceiving them. So, if Trump were inclined to go an unexpected route and pick a demon likely to serve as a more stabilizing force for the court, Orobas could prove to be that pick. He gives true answers of things to come, and is also noted for conferring the favor of both friends and foes. Surely that’s an attribute our notably controversial president would find advantageous!
5. Forneus is a Great Marquis, but of course social status and familiar background really have no place when it comes to bureaucratic decisions in this nation. Truly, merit is what matters, and Forneus’ ability to give men a good name and cause them to be loved by their enemies are the sort of traits one would like to see representing us. After all, diplomacy and compromise are the bedrock of our civilization. No doubt Forneus’ knowledge of rhetoric and languages would add him in producing highly eloquent rulings, as well. And though generally depicted in the form of a sea monster, Marchosias assures us Forneus is is equally comfortable in a human form. We have no doubt he would fit in well among his peers.
Of course, the whims and wishes of the Anti-Christ are as baseless and capricious as the shifting sands of the desert, so you can be sure we’ll be out there, casting our sheep bones and studying every bit of entrail we can to bring you the very best updates on this issue. Stay tuned.