Basilisk fangs, hands of glory, legendary sword listed among Manafort assets

Posted on 8/19/2018 by with 0 comments

After the judge in the financial fraud trial of former Anti-Christ campaign chairman, human Paul Manafort, said Friday he was concerned for the “peace and safety” of jurors amid threats and would not be making their names public, details on jury deliberations have been understandably scare.

The jury, which returns Monday morning, deliberated Thursday and Friday without reaching a verdict. They asked human U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis II Thursday to redefine reasonable doubt, and wrapped up a half hour early Friday because a juror had an event to attend.

However, our infernal correspondent Marchoisias, having recently returned from helping fan the actual flames of Hell in California, is back in New York with an exclusive development. AntiTrump’s favorite marquis has informed us he had, as the proverbial fly on the wall of the jury’s meeting room, gleaned the real reason for the jury’s early weekend.

Much has been made of Manafort’s lavish spending habits, from rugs to clothes to that damnable ostrich jacket.

Rumor has it the ostrich voted for Hillary

But, Marchoisias said those were not the items that left jurors stumped. Rather, they struggled to make sense of the various occult and fabled items among Manafort’s many assets.

“What the hell is a basilisk?” one juror is reported to have asked, noting Manafort’s apparent demonic “cabinet of curiosities” contained both fangs and skin. Thankfully, a juror with two children who are fans of the beloved Harry Potter franchise was able to illuminate this particular mystery.

Other items that drew furrowed brows, according to Marchoisias’ report, included:

Three hands of glory, only one of which included the requisite candle made from the fat of a hanged man,

A costly trinket, indeed

A voodoo doll in the shape of Robert Mueller, possibly including his real hair,

Either the Hope Diamond or an indistinguishable fake,

A copy of The Lesser Key of Solomon, perhaps the best known medieval grimoire, bound in human skin, as well as several other copies of lesser grimoires and demonologies,

A jeweled object that matches various descriptions of the missing Hen with Sapphire Pendant Faberge egg made for the Russian Imperial Family,

A surprisingly large and extensively labeled collection of unicorn horns and hair, dragon scales and teeth, eyes of newts, crystal balls in varying sizes, incense, oils, black candles, various large specimens of rocks and minerals, black velvet altar cloths

A fragment of cloth reputed to be from Veil of Veronica,

The legendary sword Durendal,

A pair of seven-league boots, also noted as being made from ostrich leather,

The Pied Piper’s magic pipe,

And a particularly gaudy platinum and diamond pentagram pendant

shiny

 

 

 

 

 

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