Dark omens, including talking 3-headed calf, herald Trump’s England visit
United States President and actual Anti-Christ Donald Trump will depart Tuesday for a weeklong trip to Europe to meet with the nation’s allies and no doubt commune with his fellow demonic beings across the pond. The Beast’s schedule will take him first to a NATO summit in Brussels on Wednesday and Thursday, then to England, to one of his golf resorts in Scotland for the weekend and finally to Helsinki, Finland, on Monday for a summit with the Russian president, human Vladimir Putin.
According to Prime Minister Theresa May’s office, Trump is set to arrive in Britain on Thursday, following the summit, and will largely avoid riotous central London, where protesters plan to fly a blimp showing the Anti-Christ as a large, screaming, orange baby. He is to meet with the human queen Friday.
Ahead of Trump’s England visit, we sent the Marquis Marchoisias, our best infernal correspondent, to the countryside to scope out local sentiment toward the Little Horn, away from the hubbub of the city. Putting his brimstone to the grindstone, Marchoisias picked up on a revelatory rumor out of Leicestershire, and followed it right to the source. While enjoying a no doubt well-deserved repast in the alley next to the Red Lion pub in Market Bosworth, Marchoisias heard tell of a three-headed calf that suddenly appeared on the grounds of the church in the nearby hamlet of Barton in the Beans. Reports say the calf was discovered by worshipers at Barton Fabis Baptist Church on Sunday morning, shortly before the weekly 10:30 a.m. service. At least three eyewitnesses say they saw the calf calmly enjoying the grass covering the various graves in front of the church, but when it realized it had been observed, it raised all three of its heads and proclaimed “FAKE NEWS” in an echoing bellow. The worshipers, being too stunned to either film the phenomenon or respond to the proclamation, reported the calf then proceeded to gallop away from the church at top speed, hooves striking up sparks with each stride, in a unknown direction to an unknown destination. One can only imagine that a church with such a distinguished history dating back centuries was honored by such an impressive visitation.
Barton in the Beans being about 115 miles northwest of London proper, it is possible the calf’s arrival heralds some other dark event, but we at AntiTrump find that to be highly speculatory.
Of course, the prophet calf was not the only omen witnessed in Britain this weekend. Marchoisias noted to AntiTrump that while alleged ghost sightings at the Tower of London are not uncommon, featuring figures such as Anne Boleyn, Lady Jane Grey or the famous Princes in the Tower, at least seven women reported being physically touched by a specter during visiting hours Saturday. Reports indicate all of the women informed various staff members they had experienced a sensation similar to a small pair of hands brushing against their genitals.
Eyewitnesses also reported to Marchoisias that golf balls fell from the sky during a brief Saturday afternoon rain storm that passed over the U.S Embassy in the Nine Elms district of southwest London. The shower of sports equipment is said to have lasted no longer than two minutes, and Marchoisias is in the process of obtaining for us some grainy Snapchat recordings from several observers. Naturally, London authorities from several agencies released a joint statement Saturday evening claiming something about “water spouts.”
There were other less substantiated reports that filtered in Saturday and into Sunday from various London neighborhoods, including one insisting it was gold, straw-like hair that fell from the sky during the storm, not golf balls. The Daily Mail published a short article online Sunday morning that stated a baby had been born in a London hospital with an unusual orange tint and spoke immediately after being born, saying “Children, it is the last hour,” which is of course a reference to 1 John 2:18, but it appeared the story had been removed several hours later and was no longer available. And one London butcher reported to Marchoisias during the lunchtime hour Sunday that all of his fresh-cut steaks had suddenly cooked whilst resting in their display case, turning “hard as some sort of bloody hockey puck.”
We at AntiTrump, always committed to divining the latest omens and bringing our hot interpretations to you, will naturally report on any further unusual animal groupings, half-remembered prophecies or unnatural weather forecasts. Stay tuned.
Editors Note: An earlier version of this story that reported that it rained worms for approximately 6 minutes at 6:06 p.m. Saturday on Foulness Island, which is about 50 miles east of London, was incorrect. We apologize for the error.