Satan says “You guys are on your own” on climate change
As the effects of Hurricane Florence lingered across the Carolinas this week, AntiTrump infernal correspondent and Marquis of Hell Marchoisias informed us that he had journeyed back Downstairs amid advanced word of an impending press conference. As the Anti-Christ and President of the United States Donald Trump visited those impacted by the hurricane Wednesday, offering wieners and words of support, Satan also released a statement about recent weather events.
“Look, I just want to make it clear that we have absolutely nothing to do with climate change,” he said, speaking directly to a host of the fallen in the main briefing room of Hell, as always tastefully draped with innards. “If anything, we’d like the Earth to be a little bit cooler. It’s really unpleasant to go up there for a little business trip and find out it’s still 93 degrees in the middle of September, you know? It’s like, why even bother leaving Hell at that point?”
Amid nods, the most fallen of angels continued, appearing to cease reading from note cards laid on the podium in front of him, crafted from human backbones, as he grew more impassioned on the subject.
“I mean, that typhoon that hit the Philippines last week? Mangkut? It had sustained winds of 125 miles per hour. That’s … that’s wack. Like, I really hate to be the bad guy here, but that wasn’t on me. Most of my job is just run-of-the-mill seduction and suggestion, like whispering bad ideas into the ears of 17-year-old prep school boys that will haunt them in 30 years when they try to get a Supreme Court seat. And if I’m not doing that, I’m swamped down here because gosh dang are there a lot of you, and you just keep on coming. But, you guys are on your own Upstairs when it comes to climate change.”
The king of Hell then rubbed the bridge of his nose with one red claw, in apparent frustration.
“We’re talking about billions and billions of dollars in damage here, and untold human suffering that will continue for years. Just look at Hurricane Maria. I mean, where does it all end? And that doesn’t even take into account the millions of chickens who died in Hurricane Florence. NO ONE (emphasis Satan) wants to deal with Chicken Hell, let me tell you. And frankly, this all makes my role a lot more difficult. It’s super hard to spread discontent and discord when people do such a good job doing it themselves. Here in Hell, we’re all about renewable energy, like using people to run those big mill wheels to generate electricity, and composting, and we always look to for ways to reuse human skin and other natural resources.”
Satan then reshuffled his notecards, perhaps aware he had gone a bit off track on his anticipated speaking points, before concluding:
“I would just like to be on the record as saying, I don’t mess with like, coral reefs and polar bears and stuff, and it would be nice if the humans took a little bit of responsibility for their actions instead of always trying to blame it on me. Thank you.”