Wistful, Vacant Louise Gorsuch Affirms Husband’s Impartiality
BOULDER, CO. – Louise Gorsuch, wife of SCOTUS Judge Neil Gorsuch, vouched for her husband’s impartiality at their Boulder, Colorado residence early Sunday morning while gazing at nothing in particular. “My husband harbors no compromising partisan allegiances, preferences, or opinions,” the flesh-and-blood woman stated, apropos of nothing, as she wandered aimlessly down a darkened hallway. “Whether it’s trying to reach a verdict on a despised serial killer, or if my haircut makes me look old, Neil can be counted on to rule with impartial frigidity.”
Mrs. Gorsuch, a University of Colorado professor and avid Sudoku fan, asserts her husband did not ask her to speak on his behalf, claiming that it’s been years since Gorsuch has asked her to do anything. “A judge has to be able to put aside preferences and passions in order to deliberate on issues that are more important than having a picnic with me at the Boulder Reservoir like we used to,” she said, stifling the tears that had already started welling in her eyes.
“I just find it very upsetting that so many American people think my husband is capable of having any preferences or passions. I don’t think people realize how very hurtful it is to our listless husk of a family,” she said, her voice trailing off into the distance of their 3-acre estate as she absentmindedly thumbed through an old family photo album, pausing, “Did you hear something? Never mind, I thought I heard something,” she said, effortlessly downing her 8th glass of champagne.